its more than what i thought it would be

if you dont like reading long,
draggy entries :
stop reading

i guess i'm just going to spend
a little time typing,
more than usual at least ?
the week was a little scary
its just how people tend to feel
how sensitive they are to comments
or even nice compliments
& their thoughts, nice or not so nice
they're still in our heads
those thoughts, never left me
instead, it left me feeling so blank
okay maybe not blank, just ______ ?
i dont really know how to put it

i remember that night
i kept crying ?
trying to find direction,
trying to find a peace that would remain,
trying to find reasons why,
trying to find answers to my questions,
trying to find me
it was hard, so very hard
& i know what triggered those thoughts
i worked my socks off for the night
but i had to stop, i couldnt go on
because i just wasnt focused enough
& i knew it was God
i didnt hold back, i went to look for him
thats when i started crying

i wonder why, really
why these thoughts come back
after thinking that they're gone
mm i never get enough of it, do i
i didnt have a good time
because i wanted to scream
i've been constantly waking up late
& i've been late for schl, twice
thats not me, not the usual me
i couldnt understand why
why things had to be so hard
why i couldnt start my mornings,
like i used to ?
i told myself that i have a choice
to make the best of everyday,
with a smile
or to drown myself in unhappiness
& just be so unhappy

i chose, sure i did
but it didnt seem to work out
okay enough about that
the weekend's here, & i'm feeling great
i loved worship, not just today
but i learned so many lessons
i had a breakthrough in worship,
it was evident because i worshipped
like i never did before
i had a vision, somewhat of a vision
at first it was only me,
then i saw megalife
then riverlife
then all the churches in sg
we were on mount everest,
all the way at the top!
there were mikes
( dont ask me how they're connected )
& there were speakers all arnd the world
in every country, continent & smallest of towns
we stood on that mountain, worshipping
to be exact, we were singing
" how great is our God "

song goes :
the splender of a King
clothed in majesty
let all the earth rejoice,
all the earth rejoice
he wraps himself in light
& darkness tries to hide
and trembles at his voice
trembles at his voice

how great is our God
sing with me,
how great is our God
and all will see how great
how great, is our God

age to age he stands
and time is in his hands
beginning & the end
beginning & the end
the God head, three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
lion & the lamb
lion & the lamb

slowly, people joined us
they found their way to God
and we stood there proclaiming
His name
it was beautiful
& i was sure it was God :)

crystal sang a really cute
& meaningful song after that
went smth like
" i'm not cool but that's okay
my God loves me anyway! "

sermon, was so cute
haha our senior pastor really has
a heart that's running after God
its great knowing that even our pastors
are running with us, the youths :)
God set laws in His word to protect us
to prevent us from hurting ourselves
mm in all sorts of ways actually
physically, emotionally, spiritually
& i love knowing that
little things that mean so much
went back to singing the simplest
of all love songs :)

" Jesus loves me this i know
for the Bible tells me so
little ones to him belong
they are weak but He is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
for the Bible tells me so "

its so simple,
yet so sweet & assuring
even little kids sing this song

i had a good time doing work
with my cell today :)
sat at a table with laura & xuanyi
poor laura was hungry, haha!
xuanyi's so cute, i cant stand her
took a really cute photo of her :D
had a lot of fun while doing work
laura went trigger happy with my cam
& i'm glad she did, thanks laura :)
now i've got so many photos
that i'd love to keep!

had a good time walking home myself
had some more thoughts going through
my silly head
& i kept trying to shut them out
thankfully they stayed out
thank you for calling to disturb
it helped because i wasnt alone
leaving my mind to drift away

watched some movie about
this hologram pop star
the songs were beautiful,
loved them so much ?
the ending song was really nice
loved her voice too, haha
i realised that i love talking about
things like these :)
anyway, i'll upload the photos soon!

there's no differnce between the
teardrops & the rain